The Antidote to Anti-Semitism

A quick note on Parshah Balak, in honour of the bar mitzvah of my friend's eldest son (Mazal Tov!).

In Parshah Balak, we read how the King of Moav (Balak) summons the national prophet Bilaam to curse Bnai Yisroel. The Parshah then ends with the recounting of the episode involving Zimri and Cozbi.

The question that comes immediately to mind is why Balak summoned Bilaam at all. The Moavim knew that Hashem had commanded to refrain from attacking Moav (Devarim 2:19,19). Logically then, there should have been no fear of attack. Instead, Balak is so unnerved sheer magnitude of the approaching nation that he forms an allegiance with Moav's sworn enemies, the Midyanites, in an attempt to take down Bnai Yisroel (Rashi).

Morevoer, who was Bilaam? Bilaam was a relative of Lavan, from whom he learned black magic (Midrash/Zohar). It was, in fact, from Lavan that Bilaam learned how to discern the precise time of day when Hashem sits in judgement. By issuing a curse at that moment, Bilaam was able to obtain an unfavourable ruling from the Heavenly Court upon the cursed individual(s). That Bilaam is eager to curse the Jews indicates how he, like Lavan, enjoyed inflicting misery upon Hashem's people.

So what is really going on here? From the incident of Bilaam and Balak we learn how anti-semitism operates: an irrational fear/hatred of yiddin incites a rationalisation for one's hatred, and in turn, serves to justify in the anti-semite's mind any anti-semitic action s/he takes.

Yet, as always, Hashem provides the antidote to the problem with problem. Thus, we see that due to the piety of the Bnai Yisroel, Hashem was unable to find fault with them, and in turn cause Bilaam to bless instead of curse three times. As we know, the number 3 is a number with positive spiritual ramifications: Three Patriarchs, Three Matriarchs, Three Annual Festivals, etc. In Parshah Balak, with each attempt to curse, the given blessing that Balak utters proves greater than the previous blessing.

To underscore this point, the parshah ends by recounting the story of Zimri and Cozbi. Because of his supreme hatred of Bnai Yisroel (not to mention a blatant display of self-interest that is consistent with the legacy of Lavan), before leaving after issuing the curses, Bilaam attempts to curry favour (and monetary compensation) from Balak by telling the latter how to cause Bnai Yisroel's downfall. That Pinchas stops the plague by killing Zimri and Cozbi underscores that zealous adherence to Hashem's moral code (versus falling prey to moral squalor, i.e. consorting with the Midiyanite and Moavite women), we can continue to merit Divine Protection as individuals and as a nation.

Good Shabbos.

Crossroads?

The past several weeks, I've been chomping at the bit to leave New York. Let's be blunt: I'm just plain not cut out for New York, and not in the way I would've expected. The brief version of the story is that my move to New York hasn't been particularly fruitful to date. Sure, I found work and got remarried. We all know how those endeavours worked out. And as I ponder the dating pool (i.e. quantity over quality, with most over-40 men wanting the "Brooklyn experience), my lack of work, and my overall personality, I couldn't see any benefit to staying in New York. And I mean not one.

But then last night I went to a birthday party. It wasn't anything special, just me and about a minyan of other ladies coming together for dinner to celebrate our mutual friend's birthday. And I had a blast. Every last one of those ladies has a story (or several) and is so chilled about their frumkeit that I finally felt like I was in sympathetic company. Now that's not to say that my friends to date haven't been fabulous. They definitely have. The difference lay in the face that save 2 ladies who are from Brooklyn, all of us were from out-of-town and either divorced or on the path to it. So I had people who could really identify with my "out-of-town" mindset, as well as where I happen to be in my life right now. It was quite liberating.

More to the point, I saw how all of these women were walking the line between being frum and living their lives. Unlike many people that I've met in Brooklyn, all of these women were trying to negotiate a life in Yeshivish Brooklyn when they are, in fact, more modern. Quite modern. And I appreciate that as well.
When I returned from the party lat night, I felt better than I had in ages. More to the point, I slept better than I had in months. So when I woke up this morning, I realised a few things.

First, that while I'm so over the prospective dating pool in New York (been there, done that- twice), there is a silver lining to the situation, namely that I can meet a lot of divorced/single women such as myself. Kindred spirits, if you will. Second, that what has been lacking from my life since I moved to New York, for various reasons, is having fun. Forget trying to cram myself into the Yeshivish box. That just not me. I need to go, live my life, have fun, and remain frum while doing so. That's it. Because after all, the only thing my being modern affects at this point is shidduchim, and even there, it's a good thing; I don't want to go get married to another Yeshivish person. That doesn't interest me in the slightest. So, since I don't have children, why limit myself to an existence in a tiny, constrained box for no reason? I mean, I was sitting next to a woman who's shirt keep falling down, and nobody felt the need to point out that we could see her bra. Because we were all fine with it. Say what you will, but my life definitely needs an infusion of that attitude.

I guess what I'm saying is, I may stick around New York for a while and give living my life like I did pre-New York a try. Live my life like I've always lived my life but here in New York. In any event, in the next while, I'm going to have make my decision. And as you all know already, while I'm not necessarily the quickest decision-maker (I like to devote adequate time to weighing all the pros and cons), once I do make a decision, I tend to stick with it. Within reason. :)

Yup, things are finally about to get interesting around here in a good way. Boo-yaaaaaaaaa! ;)

Resurrected!

Thanks to SW for her comment. It was timely indeed: this layl Shabbos, I ran into a fan, who lamented the demise of this blog.

Basically, I had made the decision to kill this blog, but didn't really advertise the fact. Since I wanted to keep the blog up as a reminder of a period in my life, not to mention in case I felt the need to review one of my divrei Torahs, I figured I would leave the blog as is, and let me silence do the talking.

However, I have decided that, for the time being at least, life still interesting enough to merit keeping this blog. I'll be posting some entries that I had kicking around so you can catch up on what's being going on in the interim.

Thanks again to all my loyal readers. It's all of you have made my blogging enjoyable. Keep the comments coming. :)

Cynosure: Friends of the Opposite Gender

It's been a looooonnnnnng time since anyone asked my opinion on dating. Given my personal history, can you blame them? But I do have one friend who occasionally seeks my counsel. (Or, to use their words, "WWPCD: What would La Poutine Cachere do?".) The current conundrum facing my erstwhile friend was whether it is appropriate to have friends of the opposite gender if you're dating someone seriously. The foregone conclusion the said friend arrived at was that (surprise!) it's halachically better to abstain from such relationships. The following is my take on the issue.

In my case, I don't buy into the typical frummie adage that all opposite gender friendships de facto carry a sexual undercurrent, since I have personally had purely platonic friendships with men. Yes, there definitely are people out there who cannot think of someone of the opposite gender except in a sexual way, or who cannot refrain from wanting to "keep the door open". However, such people typically give off signals that they feel/think that way, and one should refrain from friendships with such people. Granted, I chose to only be friends with men who do not fall into the above category.

Another point where I differ from the party line is that I don't feel that maintaining opposite gender friendships is counterproductive to maintaining a relationship with one's significant other. Your significant other must always remain your primary relationship, and the focal point of your life. However, I believe that having friends outside this primary relationship is beneficial to that relationship, since one should rely on themselves to address their own "needs", i.e. they should not expect their significant other to be their "everything". As I tell every man when dating, my philosophy is that you are two independent people in a relationship, and is obviously the relationship to which one devotes the vast majority of one's energy. But if you devote all of your energy solely to your relationship without devoting adequate energy to also taking care of yourself, you will inevitably become dissatisfied in your relationship. Indeed, you may come to even resent all the effort you are devoting unless you maintain interests and a sense of independent identity.

Friends are a part of this separate identity, and if your friend happens to be of the opposite gender, that isn't unequivocably a problem. Where such relationships typically become a problem though is where there is either a lack of trust or a lack of self-esteem. After all, if your significant other trusted you implicitly and had adequate self-esteem, such relationships shouldn't fuel any shalom bayis problems.

That said, human nature being what it is, I suppose the rebbeim instituted the party line because people do have trust and self-esteem issues. Consider the party line therefore a pre-emptive measure to prevent potential marital discord. I can certainly respect that. In the end then, you need to hold where you're comfortable. My only caveats are that one should ensure that one isn't giving up such friendships due to trust issues, and that such abstinence will prove fruitful long-term. The goal, to reword, is promote shalom, through whatever avenue works for both you and your relationship with your beloved.

Ban It!

Tonight, while listening to music via YouTube (I've been searching for cover songs), I came across the following video. To say that I'm now scarred for life is an understatement. As someone who believes in the pet-owner bond, I found this video positively shocking. I'm still mopping up the puddle I left on the floor- although the sobbing did seem to alleviate my allergy symptoms...

Consider yourselves forewarned.

Four

I got this in my email earlier in the week, and have been having so much fun with it, I figured I would post it here. It's pathetic, I know, but I really do find such emails valuable because you find out little tidbits about people you would never learn otherwise.

Four, Four, Four, Four...

1. Four places that I go to over and over: Green Grocer (Rossman Farms), Walgreens, the little room to blog on my laptop, the kitchen.
2. Four people who email me regularly: Silky, Ed, Irit, Barb Chansky (via comments on our blogs).
3. Four favourite smells: Lilacs, cookies baking, vanilla, the Body Shop's Brazil Nut Butter.
4. Four places that I would rather be: Bed, Canada, California, with Ed McMahon winning the lottery.
5. Four people I think will respond: Limor, and then it's anyone's guess. :p
6. Four TV shows I watch: Lost, Gossip Girl. But if you had to ask that, you probably don't know me too well!
   

Feel free to share your answers!

P.S. Silky commented that I'm so Canadian because I said green grocer. I told her I couldn't think what Americans say instead- fruit stand? Farmer's market?

Baruch Dayan Emet/ Mazal Tov

In the last 24 hours I've heard news worthy of a mazal tov and a Baruch Dayan Emet. SIGH.

First, the good news! I recently got back in touch with a school friend of mine who made aliyah a while back. When we were in school together, I stayed at her house one Shabbos (I was living in the dorm), and had the pleasure of meeting her family. B'H', all but one are now married, and she is a Bubbe many times over. As for her youngest, who reached bar mitzvah the last semester of school, I recall him to be a very sweet, heimshe, bright boy. Well, I'm now officially old, because she emailed me his wedding video. It was a pleasure to behold. P, MAZAL TOV!

This afternoon I caught up with a friend of mine down south. She unfortunately informed me that a mutual friend of ours passed away right before Pesach. She said she had spoken to her two days prior, and our friend was fine and predictably in the middle of Pesach preparations. Then, in a blink, she was in the ER and never made it home. Unbelievable. Leah was so full of life, so outgoing and kind. And just like that- gone. The world has truly lost a good soul with her passing.

In light of these events, I decided I should shelve any grips I may have had throughout the day, and instead focus on feeling gratitude to be alive and well. And that, dear readers, is that. For now.

Ah, Welcome Home!

After my 23-hour day Thursday, I was so very much looking forward to getting a long night's sleep last night. To that end, I promptly finished learning and collapsed around 8:30 PM- a reasonable hour, by Friday night standards.

Alas, my anticipated night of REM cycles was not to be. At 1:30 AM I awoke to find the apartment FREEZING. However, since the landlord controls the heat and often sets the temperature on the cooler side for Shabbos (translation- keeps the temperature a good 10-15 degrees cooler than my liking but still within the boundaries of the law), I expected that after an hour or so the heat would kick in. Such was not the case. It would seem that the heater was once again broken, as it has been in recent months on a few occasions, and the heat did not sputter on until 8:30 AM, at which point I assume they found a goy on the street to flick the necessary switch.

Since my teeth were chattering uncontrollably, despite my donning sweaters and pacing relentlessly in my apartment for well over an hour at a time, I finally decided the heck with it, said Modei Ani, and rapidly finished off all of my tea essence stash. The said tea was depleted by 7 AM, so I was most thankful that the heat returned a mere 90 minutes later. What ensued was an exhausting Shabbos, capped off this evening with my discovering that I am now running a low-grade fever. A fine Welcome Home indeed...

To end on a plus note, I managed to catch up with 4 friends over the course of the afternoon, two of whom I have only seen rarely at best since I got married. While I would have preferred to socialized with them when I was more "with it", Hashem wound up awarding me a nice Shabbos overall.

That said, I wish everyone a Shavua Tov, and I'm off to drink some tea and honey. Here's wishing everyone a wonderful week.