It's been a looooonnnnnng time since anyone asked my opinion on dating. Given my personal history, can you blame them? But I do have one friend who occasionally seeks my counsel. (Or, to use their words, "WWPCD: What would La Poutine Cachere do?".) The current conundrum facing my erstwhile friend was whether it is appropriate to have friends of the opposite gender if you're dating someone seriously. The foregone conclusion the said friend arrived at was that (surprise!) it's halachically better to abstain from such relationships. The following is my take on the issue.
In my case, I don't buy into the typical frummie adage that all opposite gender friendships de facto carry a sexual undercurrent, since I have personally had purely platonic friendships with men. Yes, there definitely are people out there who cannot think of someone of the opposite gender except in a sexual way, or who cannot refrain from wanting to "keep the door open". However, such people typically give off signals that they feel/think that way, and one should refrain from friendships with such people. Granted, I chose to only be friends with men who do not fall into the above category.
Another point where I differ from the party line is that I don't feel that maintaining opposite gender friendships is counterproductive to maintaining a relationship with one's significant other. Your significant other must always remain your primary relationship, and the focal point of your life. However, I believe that having friends outside this primary relationship is beneficial to that relationship, since one should rely on themselves to address their own "needs", i.e. they should not expect their significant other to be their "everything". As I tell every man when dating, my philosophy is that you are two independent people in a relationship, and is obviously the relationship to which one devotes the vast majority of one's energy. But if you devote all of your energy solely to your relationship without devoting adequate energy to also taking care of yourself, you will inevitably become dissatisfied in your relationship. Indeed, you may come to even resent all the effort you are devoting unless you maintain interests and a sense of independent identity.
Friends are a part of this separate identity, and if your friend happens to be of the opposite gender, that isn't unequivocably a problem. Where such relationships typically become a problem though is where there is either a lack of trust or a lack of self-esteem. After all, if your significant other trusted you implicitly and had adequate self-esteem, such relationships shouldn't fuel any shalom bayis problems.
That said, human nature being what it is, I suppose the rebbeim instituted the party line because people do have trust and self-esteem issues. Consider the party line therefore a pre-emptive measure to prevent potential marital discord. I can certainly respect that. In the end then, you need to hold where you're comfortable. My only caveats are that one should ensure that one isn't giving up such friendships due to trust issues, and that such abstinence will prove fruitful long-term. The goal, to reword, is promote shalom, through whatever avenue works for both you and your relationship with your beloved.
Showing posts with label Shalom Bayis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Shalom Bayis. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Wherever
In parshah Yisro, we are told that the Bnai Yisroel were instructed to avoid traversing the boundary around the mountain until after the elongated shofar blast. After that point, they would be free to scale the mountain. From this we learn that Har Sinai was not intrinsically holy. Rather, the Har only had spiritual significance as long as the shechina rested upon it. Once the shechina departed, the spiritual status of the Har returned to "normal".
In his commentary summing up the opinion of the commentators, R'Bachya cites that the four areas of the mountain correspond to the four areas of the Beit HaMigdash:
But if we are in galus, how can we operate by this blueprint? How can we move through these areas towards Hashem in our day and age? The reality is that Hashem is wherever a yid is. However, this is magnified, such as when one davens with a minyan. Yet perhaps the most crucial opportunity for getting close to Hashem is not in the Beit HaMedresh, but in fact in the four walls of the married home.
While we all intellectually understand that there are three partners in any marital union- the human couple and Hashem's presence- we often fall short in operating with this awareness in our day-to-day lives. Yet it is precisely in one's home that Hashem's presence rests, and where He remains available to us. Thus, by ensuring that our marriage is internally Torahdik, we can render our homes a suitable dwelling place for the shechinah, and maintain a closer relationship with Him than would otherwise be possible.
Good voch!
In his commentary summing up the opinion of the commentators, R'Bachya cites that the four areas of the mountain correspond to the four areas of the Beit HaMigdash:
- The region behind the boundary behind where the klal stood = The gate of the courtyard
- The mountain itself = The interior of the courtyard
- The cloud upon which Moshe stood = The interior of the sanctuary
- The thickness of the cloud = The Holy of Holies
But if we are in galus, how can we operate by this blueprint? How can we move through these areas towards Hashem in our day and age? The reality is that Hashem is wherever a yid is. However, this is magnified, such as when one davens with a minyan. Yet perhaps the most crucial opportunity for getting close to Hashem is not in the Beit HaMedresh, but in fact in the four walls of the married home.
While we all intellectually understand that there are three partners in any marital union- the human couple and Hashem's presence- we often fall short in operating with this awareness in our day-to-day lives. Yet it is precisely in one's home that Hashem's presence rests, and where He remains available to us. Thus, by ensuring that our marriage is internally Torahdik, we can render our homes a suitable dwelling place for the shechinah, and maintain a closer relationship with Him than would otherwise be possible.
Good voch!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Word!
Back when I lived on the West Coast, I had a friend, a real sweetheart of a guy. While he had been born Jewish, he had decided as an adult to turn his "spiritual" inclination to the Numerologists. Basically, the gist of that cult/belief system was that the numerical value related to an item was intrinsically connected to its spiritual destiny. In turn, he changed his name when he joined the "organization", the irony of which was that he wound up taking a biblical name. Strangely, I was actually the one who informed him of that fact.
Anyhow, we were once conversing, and he uttered a wonderful phrase: A word spoken can never be taken back. Now, we've all heard something similar, but that instance was the first time I heard it, and while I was certainly aware of the halachas of lashon hara, etc., it resonated with me. Not only does it cover the area of be careful in how you speak to others, it also expands to encompass how your thoughts are shaped by the words you say.
This evening, I was discussing my life, as one generally does when catching up with friends and family. Yet as I was talking, I remembered this instance with my West Coast friend, and it really struck me how the words we speak shape our reality. While we certainly all recognize this fundamental truth, it bears repeating: How we think about our lives is how we perceive our lives. And our choice of words simply feeds into that perception, and relays that perception to others. In short, the words we speak affect not only ourselves, but those who hear them, because it is through words that we fundamentally form relationships and connect with people. The words we speak consequently shape ourselves, our reality, and the reality of those nearest and dearest to us.
I think I'll try and keep that in the forefront of my mind for the time being. :)
Anyhow, we were once conversing, and he uttered a wonderful phrase: A word spoken can never be taken back. Now, we've all heard something similar, but that instance was the first time I heard it, and while I was certainly aware of the halachas of lashon hara, etc., it resonated with me. Not only does it cover the area of be careful in how you speak to others, it also expands to encompass how your thoughts are shaped by the words you say.
This evening, I was discussing my life, as one generally does when catching up with friends and family. Yet as I was talking, I remembered this instance with my West Coast friend, and it really struck me how the words we speak shape our reality. While we certainly all recognize this fundamental truth, it bears repeating: How we think about our lives is how we perceive our lives. And our choice of words simply feeds into that perception, and relays that perception to others. In short, the words we speak affect not only ourselves, but those who hear them, because it is through words that we fundamentally form relationships and connect with people. The words we speak consequently shape ourselves, our reality, and the reality of those nearest and dearest to us.
I think I'll try and keep that in the forefront of my mind for the time being. :)
Sunday, November 30, 2008
OMG- Fake Kosher Radio Caller
(I almost deleted this post, because the events of this past week have magnified the need for kindness and solidarity versus divisiveness. But the more I thought about what I had written, the more I realized that the mentality illustrated in the story is precisely the mentality that condones the Mumbai attacks. And so I'm posting it anyway, and I hope nobody gets offended by the initially "fluffy" nature of the story. Given that I have spent the last 72 hours in a somber mood contemplating the dire state of the world, perhaps a pulse-check of the insidious lines of logic that create an environment ripe for precisely such attacks, chasve shalom, is in order.)
I was listening to the radio Friday morning while I was cleaning and waiting for my non-existent next assignment to materialize in my inbox. I generally am not a fan of radio DJs and call-in shows, since I tend to enjoy less didactic, self-aggrandizing radio. As in, just give me the music, please and cut the chit-chat. But when I tuned in to my regular station, I caught the following, and remained transfixed in horror.
As I tuned in, good ol' Elizabeth was busy telling the abysmal saga of how she had fooled her family by getting takeout from Boston Market and passing it off as her own. I was busy trying to give her the benefit of the doubt in terms of why she might have tried to mislead her extended family about her cooking, when she dropped in a most self-satisfying tone the following shocker: "And the best part is that they keep kosher!". As caller after caller told her that what she had done was deceptive and wrong, she kept saying "I just don't see what the big deal is".
Since I don't see how, living in New York of all places, she could be so put out by stopping off for 5 minutes to get kosher takeout post-Boston Market, her decision to not offer any kosher food to her guests suggests a general hostility towards religion. Perhaps she had issues with organized religion prior to getting married. Or maybe she and her in-laws don't get along. (Given her personality, I could see why that might be.) In any event, the woman definitely has issues with her husband and/or his family, and decided to address things in a most passive-aggressive manner.
Anyhow, I found myself pondering this radio roadkill. And what I found particularly disturbing was the following.
First, dear Elizabeth seems to misunderstand the basics of respect. When you get married, you need to nurture respect for both your spouse and your spouse's family. I mean, that's just a given, lady. I'm sure she would understand what the big deal would be if she served meat to a vegetarian. And, I hate to refer to Emily Post, but general etiquette does dictate that one find out if one's guests has dietary preferences and then offer a few dishes to meet those requirements. Unfortunately, it would seem that Elizabeth missed the boat completely as far as standard good graces are concerned.
Okay, so the woman has issues with etiquette. Many people in this generation do, so she gets a free pass on that one. But even if she couldn't see the problem with not catering to dietary preferences, as in the case of the vegetarian above, let's think about the sitaution from a different angle. How might she react if say, having made a choice in her life, her family consciously attempted to subvert her choice? Would she not feel as if her trust had been betrayed? That their lack of faith in her choice was condescending and/or disrespectful? But I suppose that's the point- she is obviously self-absorbed and doesn't give a flying fatouey about anyone but herself.
So the real shame is that this woman seems to believe that life is only about her and her "needs". When you get married, you're supposed to understand that you're going to have make some concessions in order to build a relationship with your spouse and their family. But the Thanksgiving episode- and who knows if this is the first such antic she has pulled?- will not only end up alienating her in-laws, but her husband and their children while she's at it. Although, to be frank, she probably would continue to shirk her role in the disintegration of respect and trust that is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Repeat after me everyone: "I don't see what the big deal is"...
As for the duped in-laws, where to begin? No matter what level of kosher they keep, the reality is that they have wanted to keep in contact with their son and consequently agreed to participate in Thanksgiving with him and his non-Jewish wife (I say non-Jewish, because even if this woman converted, she obviously did so insincerely). Imagine their dismay when, having put their trust in their daughter-in-law they learn the truth about her disgraceful behaviour. Because, let's be honest- if you're brazen enough to go on the radio to maliciously gloat about putting one over your entire family, you just know that word will somehow get back to the family. I expect Elisabeth is desperate to get caught. As for why that may be so, I'll leave that to everyone else's imagination. My concern is her moral vacancy.
How does all of this tie into the Mumbai attacks? First, Elizabeth is unequivocally an anti-semite, as demonstrated by her blatant disrespect for Jewish "traditions". Secondly, call it a stretch, but the same intolerance for anything but one's own ideology is at the heart of all extremism. By disrespecting other people's way of life, Elizabeth is perpetuating intolerance. And it is precisely such intolerance that finds a way of targeting minorities, such as us Jews. For those of you who don't believe Jews are minorities by the way, you'll have to wait for a future post; suffice it to say though that all you need to do is google countries by population and demographics, then do some rudimentary math, and you'll see that, all the propaganda to the contrary, Jews remain a minority.
What else can I say? In a perverse way, her call was fitting given the events of last week. It helped explain why, in the aftermath of Mumbai, the media coverage minimized the terrorist link by referring to the terrorists as "hostage-takers", "external links", "Pakistani Militants", etc. In a world where a Chabad family and their guests gave their lives in order to provide kosher food for people who might or might not have otherwise kept kosher, this woman's joyous celebration of mocking her in-laws traditions is a sad, chilling reminder that we only exist due to Hashem's protection and Divine Mercy.
May His Protection and Mercy never wain.
I was listening to the radio Friday morning while I was cleaning and waiting for my non-existent next assignment to materialize in my inbox. I generally am not a fan of radio DJs and call-in shows, since I tend to enjoy less didactic, self-aggrandizing radio. As in, just give me the music, please and cut the chit-chat. But when I tuned in to my regular station, I caught the following, and remained transfixed in horror.
As I tuned in, good ol' Elizabeth was busy telling the abysmal saga of how she had fooled her family by getting takeout from Boston Market and passing it off as her own. I was busy trying to give her the benefit of the doubt in terms of why she might have tried to mislead her extended family about her cooking, when she dropped in a most self-satisfying tone the following shocker: "And the best part is that they keep kosher!". As caller after caller told her that what she had done was deceptive and wrong, she kept saying "I just don't see what the big deal is".
Since I don't see how, living in New York of all places, she could be so put out by stopping off for 5 minutes to get kosher takeout post-Boston Market, her decision to not offer any kosher food to her guests suggests a general hostility towards religion. Perhaps she had issues with organized religion prior to getting married. Or maybe she and her in-laws don't get along. (Given her personality, I could see why that might be.) In any event, the woman definitely has issues with her husband and/or his family, and decided to address things in a most passive-aggressive manner.
Anyhow, I found myself pondering this radio roadkill. And what I found particularly disturbing was the following.
First, dear Elizabeth seems to misunderstand the basics of respect. When you get married, you need to nurture respect for both your spouse and your spouse's family. I mean, that's just a given, lady. I'm sure she would understand what the big deal would be if she served meat to a vegetarian. And, I hate to refer to Emily Post, but general etiquette does dictate that one find out if one's guests has dietary preferences and then offer a few dishes to meet those requirements. Unfortunately, it would seem that Elizabeth missed the boat completely as far as standard good graces are concerned.
Okay, so the woman has issues with etiquette. Many people in this generation do, so she gets a free pass on that one. But even if she couldn't see the problem with not catering to dietary preferences, as in the case of the vegetarian above, let's think about the sitaution from a different angle. How might she react if say, having made a choice in her life, her family consciously attempted to subvert her choice? Would she not feel as if her trust had been betrayed? That their lack of faith in her choice was condescending and/or disrespectful? But I suppose that's the point- she is obviously self-absorbed and doesn't give a flying fatouey about anyone but herself.
So the real shame is that this woman seems to believe that life is only about her and her "needs". When you get married, you're supposed to understand that you're going to have make some concessions in order to build a relationship with your spouse and their family. But the Thanksgiving episode- and who knows if this is the first such antic she has pulled?- will not only end up alienating her in-laws, but her husband and their children while she's at it. Although, to be frank, she probably would continue to shirk her role in the disintegration of respect and trust that is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Repeat after me everyone: "I don't see what the big deal is"...
As for the duped in-laws, where to begin? No matter what level of kosher they keep, the reality is that they have wanted to keep in contact with their son and consequently agreed to participate in Thanksgiving with him and his non-Jewish wife (I say non-Jewish, because even if this woman converted, she obviously did so insincerely). Imagine their dismay when, having put their trust in their daughter-in-law they learn the truth about her disgraceful behaviour. Because, let's be honest- if you're brazen enough to go on the radio to maliciously gloat about putting one over your entire family, you just know that word will somehow get back to the family. I expect Elisabeth is desperate to get caught. As for why that may be so, I'll leave that to everyone else's imagination. My concern is her moral vacancy.
How does all of this tie into the Mumbai attacks? First, Elizabeth is unequivocally an anti-semite, as demonstrated by her blatant disrespect for Jewish "traditions". Secondly, call it a stretch, but the same intolerance for anything but one's own ideology is at the heart of all extremism. By disrespecting other people's way of life, Elizabeth is perpetuating intolerance. And it is precisely such intolerance that finds a way of targeting minorities, such as us Jews. For those of you who don't believe Jews are minorities by the way, you'll have to wait for a future post; suffice it to say though that all you need to do is google countries by population and demographics, then do some rudimentary math, and you'll see that, all the propaganda to the contrary, Jews remain a minority.
What else can I say? In a perverse way, her call was fitting given the events of last week. It helped explain why, in the aftermath of Mumbai, the media coverage minimized the terrorist link by referring to the terrorists as "hostage-takers", "external links", "Pakistani Militants", etc. In a world where a Chabad family and their guests gave their lives in order to provide kosher food for people who might or might not have otherwise kept kosher, this woman's joyous celebration of mocking her in-laws traditions is a sad, chilling reminder that we only exist due to Hashem's protection and Divine Mercy.
May His Protection and Mercy never wain.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Sheva Berachos
I have been so crazy busy with work this week that I literally did not exit the house for days at a time-- even to take out the garbage, which as you all know, if my "critical mass" point. Anyway, when I am in the house, I have my cell phone shut off for several reasons, not the least of which being that my lovely CPP (which shall remain nameless) is unable to provide me with sufficient coverage in my 70 sq meters of heaven, i.e. dropped call, dropped call, and dropped call. So, unless I am expecting someone to call me, I don't bother to check my messages.
Yesterday I got a call from my lawyer about the lawsuit, but she didn't leave a message or send me an email, so I figured I should check the cell phone. Sure enough, she had left a message there, and that's how stumbled upon the multiple messages left by my very-stressed-out Kallah friend (see Notes on a Wedding). Turned out there were going to be sheva berachos three hours later in Flatbush, and I had better hop to it. So hop to it I did, and practically ran my way over there. Listen, when you're Yekki, being late is tantamount to a cardinal sin.
Suffice it to say that while I may have arrived horrendously late by Yekkish standards (read 10 minutes), the Chattan and Kallah were on Sephardi time; the shindig got underway around 8:15 or so. I was sort of undressed, having forgotten that everything in Flatbush is an opportunity to be fancy; at my Sheva Berachos, people wore jeans! But, B'H', at least I had some make up and a sheitel on, not to mention a pretty necklace my husband bought me last year to mark the anniversary of the car accident- or specifically, our having pulled through it, with much gratitude to Hashem! The table were all beautifully set, the hosts' children were cute like anything, and the caterer very accommodating and cheerful.
I had arrived at the same time as another couple, and for the longest time it was us, a second couple who arrived about 20 minutes after us, and the host family. They seated myself and I staked out a seat. Noting the Chattan and Kallah's chairs, I decided to take an end seat at an adjacent table. The end result was that I was on a diagonal from the other guests, basically seating at the polar opposite end of the room. I entertained myself by speaking to the children, who were a hoot, and when the hostess came down, endured her awkward attempts to take my coat and chit chat me across the room to join the two couples. I politely sidestepped her "good" graces, retained my coat, and remained where I was.
There is nothing that I abhor more than polite chit chat, particularly because it is generally a thinly veiled attempt to be polite without any real interest in getting to know the other person. I prefer to be ignored and/or left alone to enduring the obligatory twittering over weather, schools, families in common and so forth. Yet, and perhaps I am being delusional, I do find myself be out-going. Rather my issue is that if I am going to converse, I want it to be with someone with whom I can hold an actual, friendly conversation. Divulging of intimate secrets is not required, simply a bit of warmth and good will. And, while I understand that chit chat is most often people's attempt to break the ice, the end result is typically that you exchange a few lines, smile a polite smile, and move on- a cold exchange indeed.
I was consequently most pleased when my table wound up consisting of the teenage girls and the hostess's mother. I have found, due to my preference for honesty, that I like the company of senior citizens and persons of school age, and I was not disappointed. The matriarch was a fascinating woman, and her grand-daughters and their friends were very warm and charming. When the Chattan and Kallah finally arrived, I was already having a grand time, which I subsequently punctuated with trips to the Kallah's table in order to dish a bit. All in all, it was a really nice time, as evidenced by the fact that it lasted much later than I expected, and despite my having a pile of work waiting for me at home, I didn't care. Then again, at such events, since kind attracts kind, chances are that you're going to enjoy the crowd.
The Chattan and Kallah are going out of town for Shabbos to have Sheva Berachos in the Chattan's hometown. I hope they enjoy themselves, and that when they return home and are finally able to enter into their peaceful life together, Hashem will only bestow blessing upon them.
Yesterday I got a call from my lawyer about the lawsuit, but she didn't leave a message or send me an email, so I figured I should check the cell phone. Sure enough, she had left a message there, and that's how stumbled upon the multiple messages left by my very-stressed-out Kallah friend (see Notes on a Wedding). Turned out there were going to be sheva berachos three hours later in Flatbush, and I had better hop to it. So hop to it I did, and practically ran my way over there. Listen, when you're Yekki, being late is tantamount to a cardinal sin.
Suffice it to say that while I may have arrived horrendously late by Yekkish standards (read 10 minutes), the Chattan and Kallah were on Sephardi time; the shindig got underway around 8:15 or so. I was sort of undressed, having forgotten that everything in Flatbush is an opportunity to be fancy; at my Sheva Berachos, people wore jeans! But, B'H', at least I had some make up and a sheitel on, not to mention a pretty necklace my husband bought me last year to mark the anniversary of the car accident- or specifically, our having pulled through it, with much gratitude to Hashem! The table were all beautifully set, the hosts' children were cute like anything, and the caterer very accommodating and cheerful.
I had arrived at the same time as another couple, and for the longest time it was us, a second couple who arrived about 20 minutes after us, and the host family. They seated myself and I staked out a seat. Noting the Chattan and Kallah's chairs, I decided to take an end seat at an adjacent table. The end result was that I was on a diagonal from the other guests, basically seating at the polar opposite end of the room. I entertained myself by speaking to the children, who were a hoot, and when the hostess came down, endured her awkward attempts to take my coat and chit chat me across the room to join the two couples. I politely sidestepped her "good" graces, retained my coat, and remained where I was.
There is nothing that I abhor more than polite chit chat, particularly because it is generally a thinly veiled attempt to be polite without any real interest in getting to know the other person. I prefer to be ignored and/or left alone to enduring the obligatory twittering over weather, schools, families in common and so forth. Yet, and perhaps I am being delusional, I do find myself be out-going. Rather my issue is that if I am going to converse, I want it to be with someone with whom I can hold an actual, friendly conversation. Divulging of intimate secrets is not required, simply a bit of warmth and good will. And, while I understand that chit chat is most often people's attempt to break the ice, the end result is typically that you exchange a few lines, smile a polite smile, and move on- a cold exchange indeed.
I was consequently most pleased when my table wound up consisting of the teenage girls and the hostess's mother. I have found, due to my preference for honesty, that I like the company of senior citizens and persons of school age, and I was not disappointed. The matriarch was a fascinating woman, and her grand-daughters and their friends were very warm and charming. When the Chattan and Kallah finally arrived, I was already having a grand time, which I subsequently punctuated with trips to the Kallah's table in order to dish a bit. All in all, it was a really nice time, as evidenced by the fact that it lasted much later than I expected, and despite my having a pile of work waiting for me at home, I didn't care. Then again, at such events, since kind attracts kind, chances are that you're going to enjoy the crowd.
The Chattan and Kallah are going out of town for Shabbos to have Sheva Berachos in the Chattan's hometown. I hope they enjoy themselves, and that when they return home and are finally able to enter into their peaceful life together, Hashem will only bestow blessing upon them.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Number 2
Yesterday was our second wedding anniversary. And today was my first day at my new job. So it's been an eventful few days (yes, nothing new for us, I know!).
Since my husband payed a surprisingly large bill for my birthday dinner the other week- due to the astonishingly high gratuity and taxes that the restaurant automatically charges (we had split an appetizer and entree)- I was most willing to keep things simple and have dinner last night at one of our favourite cheapie restaurants in Flatbush. The only downside to the said haunt is that the service consists mainly of attitude from the young, tourist/Israeli wait staff. In short, between the language barrier and just plain lack of interest in their job, service is a gamble. We tried a new dish though, which was as usual very good. Hence why we frequent the spot- the food is as consistent as the service is spotty. For a decently priced meal these days, it's worth the compromise. Unfortunately, dinner ended poorly, with my husband's credit card being double charged instead of having the initial bill, which was incorrect, credited back. I guess that's just our mazel.
My husband meet me this morning, and we had brunch together before he drove me into the city for my job training session. It was such a nice few hours. Brunch was good, we sat for a bit afterwards in Dunkin Donuts, and the drive in to town was fun. The training session ran over, naturally, and I think they were a little short on information we needed immediately- such as how we submit our time- but the team was very nice, and my fellow new writers seemed like a good bunch. Our managers even bought snacks (treif), coffee (treif), and Pelegrino (SCORE) for us. So I left feeling very positive. Hashem even smiled on me with my metro ride home, which was blissfully quick (I love lower Manhattan), relatively clean, and remarkably quiet.
All in all, an exceptionally good day, B'H'.
Since my husband payed a surprisingly large bill for my birthday dinner the other week- due to the astonishingly high gratuity and taxes that the restaurant automatically charges (we had split an appetizer and entree)- I was most willing to keep things simple and have dinner last night at one of our favourite cheapie restaurants in Flatbush. The only downside to the said haunt is that the service consists mainly of attitude from the young, tourist/Israeli wait staff. In short, between the language barrier and just plain lack of interest in their job, service is a gamble. We tried a new dish though, which was as usual very good. Hence why we frequent the spot- the food is as consistent as the service is spotty. For a decently priced meal these days, it's worth the compromise. Unfortunately, dinner ended poorly, with my husband's credit card being double charged instead of having the initial bill, which was incorrect, credited back. I guess that's just our mazel.
My husband meet me this morning, and we had brunch together before he drove me into the city for my job training session. It was such a nice few hours. Brunch was good, we sat for a bit afterwards in Dunkin Donuts, and the drive in to town was fun. The training session ran over, naturally, and I think they were a little short on information we needed immediately- such as how we submit our time- but the team was very nice, and my fellow new writers seemed like a good bunch. Our managers even bought snacks (treif), coffee (treif), and Pelegrino (SCORE) for us. So I left feeling very positive. Hashem even smiled on me with my metro ride home, which was blissfully quick (I love lower Manhattan), relatively clean, and remarkably quiet.
All in all, an exceptionally good day, B'H'.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Triangle of Kindness
I have been very busy the past few days, B'H', in preparation of starting a new job on Monday. That being said, here is a little thought of mine about this week's parshah (Ki Saitzai).
This parshash contains several references to marriage: the captured woman, acceptable converts from certain nations, gittim, and yibum. Each of these instances constitutes "unusual" circumstances; they are not commonplace unions, and involve a loss of comfort while carrying the risk of stigma, as underscored by the proximity to the various mitzvot in the parshah that deal with "forbidden mixtures. Yet even more interestingly, what does this proximity also underscore?
Elsewhere in the parshah, the prevailing theme is a desire to prevent unsavory middot- dishonesty (false weights/measures), greed (leaving yield to the poor and underprivileged), insensitivity (neglecting to consider someone else's safety, i.e. leaving a pit uncovered, a roof unfenced), and even downright evil (Amalek). The point therefore is that these marriages are ones that may seem to require less compassion on the part of the Jew, because the circumstances are abnormal. Why show compassion to someone who belonged to a nation we can war against, to a person from a nation we rightly feel negatively about, to a woman who is unable to remain with her husband because they become incompatible, to a woman who did not bear a child to her deceased husband? Isn't it only 'natural' to think of these individuals as lacking in some way and consequently warranting less favourable treatment?
The Torah answers No for exactly this reason. We should indeed overcome this inclination and remember that above all else, these marriages still require the one ingredient required of all marriages to succeed: compassion. By considering these persons as marriage partners then, we must strive to always demonstrate compassion towards them, for it is precisely this compassion that purifies the relationship and renders it a suitable abode for the Shechina. The parshah in turn underscores a primary trait that must exist in all marriages if they are to remain spiritually feasible.
Good Shabbos!
This parshash contains several references to marriage: the captured woman, acceptable converts from certain nations, gittim, and yibum. Each of these instances constitutes "unusual" circumstances; they are not commonplace unions, and involve a loss of comfort while carrying the risk of stigma, as underscored by the proximity to the various mitzvot in the parshah that deal with "forbidden mixtures. Yet even more interestingly, what does this proximity also underscore?
Elsewhere in the parshah, the prevailing theme is a desire to prevent unsavory middot- dishonesty (false weights/measures), greed (leaving yield to the poor and underprivileged), insensitivity (neglecting to consider someone else's safety, i.e. leaving a pit uncovered, a roof unfenced), and even downright evil (Amalek). The point therefore is that these marriages are ones that may seem to require less compassion on the part of the Jew, because the circumstances are abnormal. Why show compassion to someone who belonged to a nation we can war against, to a person from a nation we rightly feel negatively about, to a woman who is unable to remain with her husband because they become incompatible, to a woman who did not bear a child to her deceased husband? Isn't it only 'natural' to think of these individuals as lacking in some way and consequently warranting less favourable treatment?
The Torah answers No for exactly this reason. We should indeed overcome this inclination and remember that above all else, these marriages still require the one ingredient required of all marriages to succeed: compassion. By considering these persons as marriage partners then, we must strive to always demonstrate compassion towards them, for it is precisely this compassion that purifies the relationship and renders it a suitable abode for the Shechina. The parshah in turn underscores a primary trait that must exist in all marriages if they are to remain spiritually feasible.
Good Shabbos!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The Little Date
I had an interview this morning in mid-town for a perm job. I was very excited about the interview, but even more excited that today was my DH's first day at his new sales job. I even texted him in the morning to let him know how very proud of him I was. Yes, gag, I know.
The day turned out in our favour: My interview finished around 1 PM (I had to meet with a bunch of people and write an aptitude test), which is when his lunch break was. So I ran over and we had spent his lunch hour together. It was so much fun. And it was a nice change of pace from always being either in Brooklyn or Queens.
I was the first person they interviewed, although they said that not many people got through to in-person interviews. So I guess we'll see how it pans out. I hope, bli ayin hara, that Hashem lets me have this job, because it would actually be very interesting, and the corporate structure (i.e., flat = minimal politics/back-stabbing) is right up my alley. And you know, maybe this is just too sappy, so please excuse me, but the best part of it all is that I would be just a few blocks away from my DH weekdays. And that would be excellent, bli ayin hara, for shalom bayis... and we know how important shalom bayis is to Hashem. :=)
So come on everyone, repeat after me: Pretty Puhhhhllllleeeeaaaassee. (BLI AYIN HARA)
The day turned out in our favour: My interview finished around 1 PM (I had to meet with a bunch of people and write an aptitude test), which is when his lunch break was. So I ran over and we had spent his lunch hour together. It was so much fun. And it was a nice change of pace from always being either in Brooklyn or Queens.
I was the first person they interviewed, although they said that not many people got through to in-person interviews. So I guess we'll see how it pans out. I hope, bli ayin hara, that Hashem lets me have this job, because it would actually be very interesting, and the corporate structure (i.e., flat = minimal politics/back-stabbing) is right up my alley. And you know, maybe this is just too sappy, so please excuse me, but the best part of it all is that I would be just a few blocks away from my DH weekdays. And that would be excellent, bli ayin hara, for shalom bayis... and we know how important shalom bayis is to Hashem. :=)
So come on everyone, repeat after me: Pretty Puhhhhllllleeeeaaaassee. (BLI AYIN HARA)
Friday, July 18, 2008
Ego
I recently was at a benefit, where I had the misfortune of witnessing a celebrity behaving badly. That incident got me started thinking again about love, specifically self-love as it is defined in the secular world versus according to yiddishkeit. In my mind, when someone exemplifies self-love as ego like this said celebrity, that self-love is counterproductive.
We often hear that in order to love someone else, we need to have self-love. But what is self-love? What does it mean to love ourselves sufficiently? I like to think that self-love is understanding that "I" have value because "I" was made in Hashem's image and infused with the ability to invoke positive change in the world through my relationship with Him, with people, and with the other aspects of Hashem's creation. That's why, for example, I love animals; they never fail to inspire awe in me because they are wondrous creations by Hashem.
So to a degree, self-love means self-respect. That is not the end all and be all of it though. After all, self-respect does not mean that we value ourselves above all else, i.e., we cannot give ourselves free rein. Rather, if self-love/self-respect means that we should feel regret when we do something wrong and should take steps to rectify the wrong-doing. We should forgive ourselves in order to move on and improve, to escape the self-defeating cycle brought on by endless guilt.
Now when we interact with others, we are experiencing love times X. In other words, either person could be having a good day or a bad day; that is certainly more frequently the case than both having the same type of day. So we need to have self-love to navigate the ups and downs that come with being in a relationship. That's where love versus in love plays a role.
When we are in love, we are often blind to the negative traits of the other person. Instead, we focus on all the marvelous qualities our intended possesses. We consequently tend to skew our perception of our partner and their actual personality. In contrast, when we develop love over time, we come to accurately perceive what is happening with our partner and are able to overlook and/or overcome, as required, the given bump in the road. Positive change is possible under such circumstances.
Finally, I have often stated that I don't care what other people think of me. If we go back to defining self-love, I believe that this statement summarizes the general concept of self-love. To reword, I love myself enough to do what I have to do without being swayed by what other people may think. If you think about it, this a basic tenet of yiddishkeit: we do what we have to, because it is what Hashem has commanded. By extension, when I say I don't care what other people think, what I mean is that I will do what I have to do. However, that does not mean that I do not contemplate the impact of my actions/words on others. If my planned course of action/speech will negatively impact someone else, then I will not act as planned. Thus, the statement I don't care what other people think of me means that I will do what I have to do if it is the right thing to do. It goes without saying that as a frum yid, the right thing to do equals following Hashem's laws. That includes avoiding maris ayin, or to put it differently, acting brazenly out of self-love.
Self-love then, is a combination of self-respect and awareness that while we may make mistakes, we can learn from them and improve, that we have innate merit and can do much with it to help others and the world at large- if we choose to stay on the Torahdik path. I really believe if we cultivate such self-love and have it operate as our guiding principle, we can bring Mosiach.
We often hear that in order to love someone else, we need to have self-love. But what is self-love? What does it mean to love ourselves sufficiently? I like to think that self-love is understanding that "I" have value because "I" was made in Hashem's image and infused with the ability to invoke positive change in the world through my relationship with Him, with people, and with the other aspects of Hashem's creation. That's why, for example, I love animals; they never fail to inspire awe in me because they are wondrous creations by Hashem.
So to a degree, self-love means self-respect. That is not the end all and be all of it though. After all, self-respect does not mean that we value ourselves above all else, i.e., we cannot give ourselves free rein. Rather, if self-love/self-respect means that we should feel regret when we do something wrong and should take steps to rectify the wrong-doing. We should forgive ourselves in order to move on and improve, to escape the self-defeating cycle brought on by endless guilt.
Now when we interact with others, we are experiencing love times X. In other words, either person could be having a good day or a bad day; that is certainly more frequently the case than both having the same type of day. So we need to have self-love to navigate the ups and downs that come with being in a relationship. That's where love versus in love plays a role.
When we are in love, we are often blind to the negative traits of the other person. Instead, we focus on all the marvelous qualities our intended possesses. We consequently tend to skew our perception of our partner and their actual personality. In contrast, when we develop love over time, we come to accurately perceive what is happening with our partner and are able to overlook and/or overcome, as required, the given bump in the road. Positive change is possible under such circumstances.
Finally, I have often stated that I don't care what other people think of me. If we go back to defining self-love, I believe that this statement summarizes the general concept of self-love. To reword, I love myself enough to do what I have to do without being swayed by what other people may think. If you think about it, this a basic tenet of yiddishkeit: we do what we have to, because it is what Hashem has commanded. By extension, when I say I don't care what other people think, what I mean is that I will do what I have to do. However, that does not mean that I do not contemplate the impact of my actions/words on others. If my planned course of action/speech will negatively impact someone else, then I will not act as planned. Thus, the statement I don't care what other people think of me means that I will do what I have to do if it is the right thing to do. It goes without saying that as a frum yid, the right thing to do equals following Hashem's laws. That includes avoiding maris ayin, or to put it differently, acting brazenly out of self-love.
Self-love then, is a combination of self-respect and awareness that while we may make mistakes, we can learn from them and improve, that we have innate merit and can do much with it to help others and the world at large- if we choose to stay on the Torahdik path. I really believe if we cultivate such self-love and have it operate as our guiding principle, we can bring Mosiach.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Korach's Wife
Our landlord recently mentioned to me (prior to the incident noted in "Two Israelis") that men always say they are looking for an asheyt chayil, but he reminds them that they must first be an "ish" chayil for their woman to be an asheyt chayil. Definitely a good sound bite, I thought.
Applicable to this week's parsha too. It is certainly a mitzvah, as we are all painfully aware, to propagate shalom bayis. And, to that end, one should support and respect one's spouse. When we look at Parshah Korach, we see that Korach's wife is characterized as a woman who built up her husband constantly in her speech. However, she also erred in doing so: she bolstered his self-confidence and displayed respect for him by cutting down Moshe and Aharon. Now, Hashem detests Lashon Hara. Indeed, as much as one should go to all lengths to preserve shalom bayis, one must similarly refrain from Lashon Hara. In Korach's wife then, we see the epitome of the wife who builds up her home at the expense of others.
Contrast Korach's wife with Onn's. The latter persuaded her husband to quit the rebellion by highlighting that whether Aharon or Korach was Kohen Gadol in the end made no difference to Onn's existence. Such phrasing, like that of Korach's wife, stresses the benefit to one's husband. However, unlike Korach's wife, Onn's wife chose to persuade her husband to side with Moshe and Aharon, and in turn with Hashem. Korach's wife, on the other hand, chose words that created a home environment that was ripe for rebellion.
In the end, we see that is important to choose a spouse whose words are both productive and l'shaym shamayim. Only then can a peaceful home, one that epitomizes the symbol of the family as a microcosm of the Beit HaMigdash possible. Korach and his wife, as rashoyim, rebelled against Hashem and consequently created a home equivalent to a house of idol worship: one wherein Lashon Hara instilled hatred, and in turn a denial of Hashem. We should all merit to refrain from their example and instead bolster each other into becoming an ish and ashet chayil.
Applicable to this week's parsha too. It is certainly a mitzvah, as we are all painfully aware, to propagate shalom bayis. And, to that end, one should support and respect one's spouse. When we look at Parshah Korach, we see that Korach's wife is characterized as a woman who built up her husband constantly in her speech. However, she also erred in doing so: she bolstered his self-confidence and displayed respect for him by cutting down Moshe and Aharon. Now, Hashem detests Lashon Hara. Indeed, as much as one should go to all lengths to preserve shalom bayis, one must similarly refrain from Lashon Hara. In Korach's wife then, we see the epitome of the wife who builds up her home at the expense of others.
Contrast Korach's wife with Onn's. The latter persuaded her husband to quit the rebellion by highlighting that whether Aharon or Korach was Kohen Gadol in the end made no difference to Onn's existence. Such phrasing, like that of Korach's wife, stresses the benefit to one's husband. However, unlike Korach's wife, Onn's wife chose to persuade her husband to side with Moshe and Aharon, and in turn with Hashem. Korach's wife, on the other hand, chose words that created a home environment that was ripe for rebellion.
In the end, we see that is important to choose a spouse whose words are both productive and l'shaym shamayim. Only then can a peaceful home, one that epitomizes the symbol of the family as a microcosm of the Beit HaMigdash possible. Korach and his wife, as rashoyim, rebelled against Hashem and consequently created a home equivalent to a house of idol worship: one wherein Lashon Hara instilled hatred, and in turn a denial of Hashem. We should all merit to refrain from their example and instead bolster each other into becoming an ish and ashet chayil.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
LA!
You know, almost as soon as we got married, I mentioned to my husband that we should move to LA. I hear the community there is fantastic, and of course, it's Hollywood Central, which suits us both. If you knew my husband, you would be less than shocked to hear that my occasional mentions that the move would be good for us fell on deaf ears. As far as my D.H. is concerned, the only move we should be making is "back" to Eretz Yisroel (which FYI is a generous use of the "royal we", since I have never even visited there). Forget about reminding him that LA is full of Israelis...
Imagine my shock the day before yesterday, when he informed me that he was applying to a position in the Metro LA area. Needless to say, I was thrilled. I'm a bit ashamed to admit that despite his not having interviewed yet, I've already bookmarked a bunch of frummie LA sites, and am reading up on all the goings on. In short, I find just the thought of the whole thing sublime. Having lived in Ontario and Quebec, as well as out in BC, I always considered myself more of an Easterner. Living in Vancouver, I just didn't get the whole vibe, although there was much that I appreciated about life out there: year-round outdoor activities in a comfortable climate, the topography, the wide variety of organic food, etc. In other words, it appealed to the granola head in me!
So even I am rather amused by my inappropriately enthusiastic reaction to his jockeying for an interview. As they say though, "Change your place, change your mazel".To which I respond with a most hearty Amen. I will of course keep charting our progress in what I have now dubbed "Project LA".
Imagine my shock the day before yesterday, when he informed me that he was applying to a position in the Metro LA area. Needless to say, I was thrilled. I'm a bit ashamed to admit that despite his not having interviewed yet, I've already bookmarked a bunch of frummie LA sites, and am reading up on all the goings on. In short, I find just the thought of the whole thing sublime. Having lived in Ontario and Quebec, as well as out in BC, I always considered myself more of an Easterner. Living in Vancouver, I just didn't get the whole vibe, although there was much that I appreciated about life out there: year-round outdoor activities in a comfortable climate, the topography, the wide variety of organic food, etc. In other words, it appealed to the granola head in me!
So even I am rather amused by my inappropriately enthusiastic reaction to his jockeying for an interview. As they say though, "Change your place, change your mazel".To which I respond with a most hearty Amen. I will of course keep charting our progress in what I have now dubbed "Project LA".
Friday, April 11, 2008
Nesting
A funny thing happened early in the week as I walked down the exterior hallway at work. We are located up on the 13th floor, and birds often fly up to our floor to take a little repose. That afternoon, I saw something I had never witnessed before: a pigeon sleeping. There she was, perched on the narrow window ledge, all snuggled up into a perfect circle, her feathers slightly wafting in the spring wind. The scene was remarkably peaceful, which made me think of...doves.
And then it hit me! A common thread between Parsha Tazria and Parsha Metzora (not surprising given that these parshot are read together most years) is the korban offered by the woman after childbirth and by the metzora at the end of their purification period. These birds (dove or pigeon) could substitute for the regular offerings if one's financial situation required it. And what a fitting offering, since these birds are peaceful birds (their diet consists almost exclusively of fruit and seeds) , birds who are monogamous, mate for life, and build a family together (the nesting site is reused annually, with the male bird responsible for bringing the building materials and the female bird for building the nest) . A bird that represents Shalom and Shalom Bayis can indeed purify for any tumah acquired by transgressing Shalom and Shalom Bayis, as in the case of the woman in childbirth and the metzora:
Good Shabbos.
And then it hit me! A common thread between Parsha Tazria and Parsha Metzora (not surprising given that these parshot are read together most years) is the korban offered by the woman after childbirth and by the metzora at the end of their purification period. These birds (dove or pigeon) could substitute for the regular offerings if one's financial situation required it. And what a fitting offering, since these birds are peaceful birds (their diet consists almost exclusively of fruit and seeds) , birds who are monogamous, mate for life, and build a family together (the nesting site is reused annually, with the male bird responsible for bringing the building materials and the female bird for building the nest) . A bird that represents Shalom and Shalom Bayis can indeed purify for any tumah acquired by transgressing Shalom and Shalom Bayis, as in the case of the woman in childbirth and the metzora:
- The woman during childbirth swears that she will never be with her husband again, which transgresses both Shalom Bayis and Shalom; these words are tantamount to blaming her husband for her condition and consequently equivalent to Lashon Hora
- The metzora spoke Lashon Hora, which transgresses Shalom and Shalom Bayis; Lashon Hora causes strife between one's fellow yid, and disrupts Shalom Bayis since Klal Yisroel is wedded to Hashem
Good Shabbos.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Simple Stuff
I once overheard a Rabbi who had just recovered from a terrible bout of the flu that even such a small thing as the flu can remind you how fragile we are and how reliant we are for everything on Hashem.
I have been fighting a head cold all week, which I happily came down with only post-bar mitzvah last Shabbos. Of course, given my druthers, I would take a head cold over a virus any day. Sure, head colds are painful and annoying, and yes, I get CRANKY either way, but colds are more bearable somehow for me.
Anyhow, while doing some shopping for Shabbos last night as I cleaned the house, my husband made a new discovery, which he presented to me when he returned. And boy, did my face light up when I saw it!...Puff Tissues with Vicks scent.
Now, I will admit that I hated Vicks as a child. Too slimy. Too strong a scent. Too... overpowering in every way for the child me. But let me tell you, these tissues are a find. They cuddle my peeling, Rudolph nose and that gentle waft of Vicks does impart comfort in a kind of "almost 5 years old again and your mother is taking care of you" way. And, while it can almost certainly be attributed to the placebo effect, I will attest to feeling- despite all claims by Puffs that their product only imparts a Vicks scent and should not be confused with using the actual Vicks product - my sinuses clear out a bit.
My husband did not present me the tissues with any fanfare. In fact, he simply dropped off the packages and went out to do a bit more scrounging around. In other words, he got the tissues solely to provide some comfort, without any need for fanfare, etc.
I will acknowledge that my husband and I can drive each other batty. Indeed, we do so not just frequently but constantly. In many ways, men and women are programmed to do exactly that; you can love your spouse but because they are a man or a woman and you are not, there is a lot of a room for that "what the heck was that" reaction? Would so many stories, tv shows, and movies have been devoted to that same topic if this reaction was not commonplace?
But when I saw those tissues, let me tell you, I felt loved. We all have needs, and the key in marriage seems to be finding a way to meeting the needs of your spouse. So step 1 is identify what your spouse needs and step 2 is attempt to fulfill that need, especially if you can fulfill it in the way that your spouse wants. For example, maybe your husband gives you some sewing to do or maybe your wife asks you to take out the garbage. Do you give a look or a mutter and do it begrudgingly, or do you smile, say Thank You (because this is an opportunity to do something for him/her), and do it without a second thought? Now this latter attitude is very hard to maintain, no question about it. But I think the key is exactly that: recognizing that our spouse is asking for our help, and thereby giving us an unspoken compliment, namely that s/he trusts us enough to do the given request in a satisfactory way.
Maybe a box of tissues is a "duh" need when your wife has a cold. But when I saw that he had devoted time and effort to picking out just the right box of tissues, without the usual phone calls being placed with questions to aid selection- now that was not just meeting my need, but meeting my need in the way I needed it to be met.
A simple communication in a box of tissues. How sweet is that?
Good Shabbos!
I have been fighting a head cold all week, which I happily came down with only post-bar mitzvah last Shabbos. Of course, given my druthers, I would take a head cold over a virus any day. Sure, head colds are painful and annoying, and yes, I get CRANKY either way, but colds are more bearable somehow for me.
Anyhow, while doing some shopping for Shabbos last night as I cleaned the house, my husband made a new discovery, which he presented to me when he returned. And boy, did my face light up when I saw it!...Puff Tissues with Vicks scent.
Now, I will admit that I hated Vicks as a child. Too slimy. Too strong a scent. Too... overpowering in every way for the child me. But let me tell you, these tissues are a find. They cuddle my peeling, Rudolph nose and that gentle waft of Vicks does impart comfort in a kind of "almost 5 years old again and your mother is taking care of you" way. And, while it can almost certainly be attributed to the placebo effect, I will attest to feeling- despite all claims by Puffs that their product only imparts a Vicks scent and should not be confused with using the actual Vicks product - my sinuses clear out a bit.
My husband did not present me the tissues with any fanfare. In fact, he simply dropped off the packages and went out to do a bit more scrounging around. In other words, he got the tissues solely to provide some comfort, without any need for fanfare, etc.
I will acknowledge that my husband and I can drive each other batty. Indeed, we do so not just frequently but constantly. In many ways, men and women are programmed to do exactly that; you can love your spouse but because they are a man or a woman and you are not, there is a lot of a room for that "what the heck was that" reaction? Would so many stories, tv shows, and movies have been devoted to that same topic if this reaction was not commonplace?
But when I saw those tissues, let me tell you, I felt loved. We all have needs, and the key in marriage seems to be finding a way to meeting the needs of your spouse. So step 1 is identify what your spouse needs and step 2 is attempt to fulfill that need, especially if you can fulfill it in the way that your spouse wants. For example, maybe your husband gives you some sewing to do or maybe your wife asks you to take out the garbage. Do you give a look or a mutter and do it begrudgingly, or do you smile, say Thank You (because this is an opportunity to do something for him/her), and do it without a second thought? Now this latter attitude is very hard to maintain, no question about it. But I think the key is exactly that: recognizing that our spouse is asking for our help, and thereby giving us an unspoken compliment, namely that s/he trusts us enough to do the given request in a satisfactory way.
Maybe a box of tissues is a "duh" need when your wife has a cold. But when I saw that he had devoted time and effort to picking out just the right box of tissues, without the usual phone calls being placed with questions to aid selection- now that was not just meeting my need, but meeting my need in the way I needed it to be met.
A simple communication in a box of tissues. How sweet is that?
Good Shabbos!
Monday, March 17, 2008
Russell Crowe and Shalom Bayis
Last night my husband and I saw a "little train that could" film directed by Ron Howard called "Cinderella Man". The film was well done, albeit only relatively tznius, not to mention stereotypically negative in its portrayal of "half-Jewish" (i.e. not) Max Baer, who is the boxer against which our hero Jimmy Braddock (read nice Irish Catholic) must prevail. On solely those terms, I would definitely not recommend the movie to my frummie frumstein friends.
However, the film did a good job of portraying Jimmy's devotion to his wife and family; they are the force that drives him during his boxing career, with each purse meaning the children can eat their fill that evening. And, even rarer, we see that Jimmy's wife supports him in his endeavours despite her understandable fears that her husband could end up permanently damaged or worse.
Watching the movie, I was touched by the realistic portrayal of a devoted husband and wife. How refreshing to find, despite the film's other ideological shortcomings, a cinematic portrayal of a traditional family, where the man is the provider and his wife a homemaker and no excuses are made. In fact, what I liked best about the movie was the fact that the love that they had for each other was based on mutual respect, pride, and support. Here were two people who came together and became a true team, time and again putting the other person first, and never losing sight of the good qualities in the other. Now that is a Torahdikk perspective of love and marriage! And why can we not see that more often in films, versus scene after scene of men and women demeaning themselves and each other in a host of ways?
So the film in its own way ended up being a triumph of some fundamental Torah values. On our very first date, I told my husband that being "in love" is very nice and good, but not a replacement for "real" love, which develops over time and is based on respect and kindness. Despite having been undeniably smitten when we married, I still hold by that statement. That is what I enjoyed about this movie and what it reminded me.
Often we get caught up in a routine, and while taharat hamispacha certainly helps, couples can get into a rut where they lose sight of how they feel about their spouse. A sense of duty comes to inform everything, actions are done out of rote, and while duty and routine can prove satisfying to a degree, in the end resentment can build. We can lose sights of ourselves, our needs, and our spouses in the process.
I therefore propose a suggestion and challenge to myself and all of you readers out there. Let's try our best to focus for a few moments a day on who our spouses are and their positive traits. Let's remind ourselves why they are worthy of our respect and devotion. In doing so, we can help bolster Shalom Bayis. And, as we all well know, while Shalom Bayis requires a concerted, continuous effort on the part of both spouses, when we perpetuate Shalom Bayis, Hashem smiles upon us.
However, the film did a good job of portraying Jimmy's devotion to his wife and family; they are the force that drives him during his boxing career, with each purse meaning the children can eat their fill that evening. And, even rarer, we see that Jimmy's wife supports him in his endeavours despite her understandable fears that her husband could end up permanently damaged or worse.
Watching the movie, I was touched by the realistic portrayal of a devoted husband and wife. How refreshing to find, despite the film's other ideological shortcomings, a cinematic portrayal of a traditional family, where the man is the provider and his wife a homemaker and no excuses are made. In fact, what I liked best about the movie was the fact that the love that they had for each other was based on mutual respect, pride, and support. Here were two people who came together and became a true team, time and again putting the other person first, and never losing sight of the good qualities in the other. Now that is a Torahdikk perspective of love and marriage! And why can we not see that more often in films, versus scene after scene of men and women demeaning themselves and each other in a host of ways?
So the film in its own way ended up being a triumph of some fundamental Torah values. On our very first date, I told my husband that being "in love" is very nice and good, but not a replacement for "real" love, which develops over time and is based on respect and kindness. Despite having been undeniably smitten when we married, I still hold by that statement. That is what I enjoyed about this movie and what it reminded me.
Often we get caught up in a routine, and while taharat hamispacha certainly helps, couples can get into a rut where they lose sight of how they feel about their spouse. A sense of duty comes to inform everything, actions are done out of rote, and while duty and routine can prove satisfying to a degree, in the end resentment can build. We can lose sights of ourselves, our needs, and our spouses in the process.
I therefore propose a suggestion and challenge to myself and all of you readers out there. Let's try our best to focus for a few moments a day on who our spouses are and their positive traits. Let's remind ourselves why they are worthy of our respect and devotion. In doing so, we can help bolster Shalom Bayis. And, as we all well know, while Shalom Bayis requires a concerted, continuous effort on the part of both spouses, when we perpetuate Shalom Bayis, Hashem smiles upon us.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Shalom Bayis
After receiving the comment that I did on Shidduchim, Part 1, which wished me better mazel with my second marriage than my first, I figured it was prime time to briefly discuss my perspective on marriage and its associated challenges.
I'm sure that everyone has heard the joke that the reason why our families can push our buttons so well is that they installed the buttons! I believe that marriage is two separate people coming together and creating a new entity, and in turn, a life together. In the course of our pre-marriage incarnations, we experienced different childhoods, different family structures, different life events. Those incarnations consequently resulted in each person entering the marriage with differing ways of reacting and processing experiences. Call them patterns, call them "issues", call them filters for dealing with various situations. But we all have them. I know I certainly do.
The main challenge then is finding a way to merge with someone who is not only completely separate from you (and who is the opposite gender and therefore possesses different priorities and coping mechanisms) but also has different expectations. Each person enters marriage expecting marriage to be a certain way, for each situation that arises to be handled a particular way, for each conversation to go a particular way. And those expectations need to be adjusted because the other person almost never possesses expectations identical to ours. We need to learn, if you will, to accommodate and respect these differences, to each of us adjust our preexisting patterns so that we can co-exist.
I also firmly believe, as unpopular a view as it is, that a woman's role in marriage is to help her husband. That does not mean acting as a shmata, tolerating abuse (has ve'shaom), or in any other way being subordinate to him. Rather, it means that as a wife, the primary focus in my life is my marriage, and my primary objective is to support and help my husband in any way that he requires it. I try, in other words, to give my husband what he needs. I will admit to occasionally overextending myself in order to fulfill this objective. But I know that he does the same. Moreover, I am diligent to not lose myself; by retaining my identity, I further our marriage, since you need two complete halves in order to make a whole.
I'd like to note that while we need to modify ourselves in order to accommodate the other person, this does not give us license to try to force the other person to fundamentally change themselves. We married someone, we chose them from millions of potential spouses, and we knew very well who they were before we married them. Why try then to change the essence of their personality after marriage?
So, in my humble opinion, we should cultivate in our marriage the sense that our spouse is our primary responsibility, and that their happiness is our goal and our privilege. As a wife, I try to create a supportive environment, a comfortable and tranquil home imbued with respect in order to protect my husband from the ills of his day. And by doing so, I believe that I am furthering him, myself, and our combined relationship with Hashem.
I'm sure that everyone has heard the joke that the reason why our families can push our buttons so well is that they installed the buttons! I believe that marriage is two separate people coming together and creating a new entity, and in turn, a life together. In the course of our pre-marriage incarnations, we experienced different childhoods, different family structures, different life events. Those incarnations consequently resulted in each person entering the marriage with differing ways of reacting and processing experiences. Call them patterns, call them "issues", call them filters for dealing with various situations. But we all have them. I know I certainly do.
The main challenge then is finding a way to merge with someone who is not only completely separate from you (and who is the opposite gender and therefore possesses different priorities and coping mechanisms) but also has different expectations. Each person enters marriage expecting marriage to be a certain way, for each situation that arises to be handled a particular way, for each conversation to go a particular way. And those expectations need to be adjusted because the other person almost never possesses expectations identical to ours. We need to learn, if you will, to accommodate and respect these differences, to each of us adjust our preexisting patterns so that we can co-exist.
I also firmly believe, as unpopular a view as it is, that a woman's role in marriage is to help her husband. That does not mean acting as a shmata, tolerating abuse (has ve'shaom), or in any other way being subordinate to him. Rather, it means that as a wife, the primary focus in my life is my marriage, and my primary objective is to support and help my husband in any way that he requires it. I try, in other words, to give my husband what he needs. I will admit to occasionally overextending myself in order to fulfill this objective. But I know that he does the same. Moreover, I am diligent to not lose myself; by retaining my identity, I further our marriage, since you need two complete halves in order to make a whole.
I'd like to note that while we need to modify ourselves in order to accommodate the other person, this does not give us license to try to force the other person to fundamentally change themselves. We married someone, we chose them from millions of potential spouses, and we knew very well who they were before we married them. Why try then to change the essence of their personality after marriage?
So, in my humble opinion, we should cultivate in our marriage the sense that our spouse is our primary responsibility, and that their happiness is our goal and our privilege. As a wife, I try to create a supportive environment, a comfortable and tranquil home imbued with respect in order to protect my husband from the ills of his day. And by doing so, I believe that I am furthering him, myself, and our combined relationship with Hashem.
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