Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Boy

About a month ago, I had a 3 minute conversation with "A Boy" recommended by the Yeshivah Rav (see A Tall Order). He seemed like a nice enough sort, but really just rang to decide how we would communicate. Since it had taken him a week after the Rav gave him my number and our schedules seem mutually exclusive, we hit upon emailing for the time being.

So we exchanged a "breaking the ice" email, and so far, still good.
But during that initial 90 second exchange, I got a "vibe". Then , dafka, the next day the Rav rings to see how "things are progressing". I told him that we had only just spoken the day before. "What, he just called you?", the Rav said. Instead of saying "Hey, he obviously doesn't make dating a priority", I just muttered a mmmm-hmmmm. Then I asked the Rav if "the Boy" had ever been married for.

No, of course not! And there I found myself, set up with yet another guy who was (well) into his 40s and never married. Not a very palatable option, given my history.

Then a week goes by, and I hear zippo. Same thing the next week. Granted, I would have been lukewarm at best if he had made contact. Finally I get a long email from him, stating we must have had a "miscommunication", he thought I would call him, but he's been oh so very busy (and listed all the various simchas he was involved in during the previous weeks).

I then became royally ticked. Here's a guy who makes dating a low priority, but convinces himself that the real issue is miscommunication and that he's been incredibly busy. I quipped to a friend of mine that he should save everyone the trouble and stop pretending he's marriage material. She, in turn, stated that the "logical" way of viewing his email is that he was simply explaining why he hadn't contacted me. She made me feel, like everyone else involved in "shidduchim" that I was being unreasonable.

Yet I remained skeptical, because, let's face it, I'm pretty much damaged goods at this point. One thing I have learned is that sometimes, you just can't give someone the benefit of the doubt.

Sure enough, he still couldn't find time to email me after I responded to his "miscommunication" email. Indeed, the pattern has been that he takes 1-2 weeks each time to respond.

By the end, I decided to stop being diplomatic, and just put the truth out there: Sorry buddy, but I am really not interested in dating, because I have zero interest in getting married in the near future. If only everyone was honest about their intentions, eh?

The kicker? He urged me to not wait too long to date, and wants me to keep him in mind when I do. Why? Because he has gotten the impression that I'm a fun, kind, giving type of girl. I of course refrained from mentioning that he only seemed interested because I was taking myself off the market. If he had gotten such a favourable impression, why not pursue our relationship a bit more fervently? We can all surmise the psychological reasons; I needn't bore you by itemizing all that gibberish.

So, my sincere apologies to my friend, but it would seem that my gut instinct proved correct on this one. And, for the foreseeable future, I am looking forward to fully focusing my attention on me and getting my life back to how it used to be.

I am, after all, worth it!
Wish me luck, y'all!


  1. If there were only one thing I could tell my daughter about shidduchim, I would tell her this: dan l'chav zchus does not apply in shidduchim. if there's even the slightest feeling that something could be off, one should thoroughly investigate. In too many cases, this feeling was brushed aside with dire consequences.

    In my own experience, if something feels "off", it usually is off.

  2. One thing was true - he is a boy...

  3. The proper response would be "You don't have to email me back? You got time to shit? Then you take your laptop into the shitter and you write a f'ing reply you wank!"